


Don’t you want to see a man up close, a phoenix in the fire

by CoinToYourWitcher



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A Ben Solo that smokes Lucky Strikes, All song fics all the time, An antihomophobic agenda, Angst, Based On a Troye Sivan Song, Crushes, Daddy Issues, F/M, Fingering in class, First Love, Fountain sex, HEA, Jock Ben Solo, Laughing so much you pee a little, Longing, Loss of Virginity, Lust, M/M, Mind Reading, Mind Sex, Psychology experiments, Public Humiliation, Redeemed Ben Solo, Reylo - Freeform, Running away to jerk off after an intense sexual encounter, School secrets, Sexual Tension, Singer Troye Sivan, The best Han Solo moment the world has ever seen, Young Ben Solo, but that's just me, enjoy, fantasies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23392996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoinToYourWitcher/pseuds/CoinToYourWitcher
Summary: It’s easy to be popular in high school when you can mind read, but Ben discovers a strong connection one night with a random girl at his party. Her fantasies come to life before his eyes and they’re all about him. Unfortunately when he speaks to her he finds she hates his guts.He decides to try to change and see if he can get these fantasies to become real life.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 32
Kudos: 80
Collections: House Dadam





	1. We can just dance to this

**Author's Note:**

> **Kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
>  Sing me like a choir  
> I can be the subject of your dreams  
> Your sickening desire  
> Don't you wanna see a man up close  
> A phoenix in the fire**
> 
> Bite by Troye Sivan
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1QlSz1iundxVGP9g6dVBoG?si=RbROHe0uTHeY2tumA_6jpg)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **We can just dance to this  
>  Don't take much to start me  
> We can just dance to this  
> Push up on my body  
> You know we've already seen all of the parties  
> We can just dance to this**
> 
> Dance to this by Troye Sivan, Ariana Grande

[ ](https://ibb.co/31WbTn2)

Ben watched lazily as the basketball team constructed a pyramid of Solo cups on his kitchen floor. 

His eyes scanned the room once, picking up random thoughts here and there, some of them sluggish from the alcohol. It was a habit, a bit like flipping through channels, searching for something good to watch.

_Ben said it would be okay if I come, so he can’t torture Finn when he’s with me, especially after writing his papers all year. I wish Finn wouldn’t drink. He gets even gayer and puts a target on our backs. He needs to just wait till after high school._

Ben identified that person as Troye, his homework slave, standing near the stereo in the living room with his boyfriend, Finn, and a cute girl. 

She looked familiar. Maybe she was in one of his bigger classes where he hadn’t picked up on her, but he was getting a good look at her now, with her ripped jeans and her British flag crop top that showed off her toned abdomen. He liked the way her long, brown hair was wavy, the way it dried naturally, rather than flat—like most of the cheerleaders who ironed it somehow.

Crop Top was listening to Finn talk about life as a male cheerleader, but her eyes were staring at the floor, out of focus, a secret smile playing on her face.

Intensifying the power to read her thoughts from this distance, he got hit with someone closer.

_He’s not traditionally hot. He’s like...strangely...hot. Or like dorky hot._

That was one of the cheerleaders next to him, silently appraising Ben’s athletic body and big ears. 

One of the reasons Ben was able to maintain popularity was his ability to hear everyone’s critiques on him and correct his flaws. He ran a hand through his hair to cover his ears better.

He got a gust of longing from Crop Top. She had seen him run his hand through his hair. Girls always seemed to like that. He was glad they didn’t know it was actually a self-conscious motion.

Her lust intensified to a fever pitch as she stared at him, and suddenly--shockingly--a version of himself stepped out of him, walked _through_ the pyramid of Solo cups like a ghost, and headed for the living room. 

Stunned, Ben blinked hard, wondering if he was hallucinating. 

The Other Ben stopped in front of Crop Top, holding out his hand as if asking to dance. 

Ben set his beer down and skirted around the pyramid, watching from behind the couch as a second version of the girl separated from her body and walked into the middle of the room with Other Ben.

Was he _seeing_ her thoughts? He only ever heard things, never had a connection like this, where a fantasy played out before him.

His mouth opened, mesmerized, as this suave Fantasy Ben ran his hands over the girl while they grinded in his living room. 

Glancing around, no one else seemed to notice the pair--but why would they--it was happening in her mind, she wasn’t even looking, just staring at the floor with that secret smile. 

The music seemed magnified as he read her, since she was closer to his speaker, and he could sense her arousal as she pictured his hands cupping her breasts from behind her, running a hand down her front and dipping it into her jeans.

He could _feel_ her breasts in his empty hands at his sides, the elasticity of her jeans, the top of her panties, flush with her skin. 

Looking over, the real girl was biting the edge of her Solo cup, smiling to herself still, and swaying slightly to the music. 

Feeling the strainings of a _very real_ erection, Ben turned away from the fictional pair and pushed through the line waiting for the bathroom in his hallway, going in as someone came out. 

Locking the door, he unbuttoned his jeans and pulled himself out, leaning his hand on the wall next to the towel rack while he stroked himself. 

He could still sense her in the living room, wondering where he had gone. 

Replaying the feel of her body, he beat off--furiously--almost traumatised by the sexual intensity of the situation, as if someone had just given him a fucking lapdance when he was least expecting it. 

He was able to come in less than five minutes, washing himself off in the sink and collecting himself before walking out. The bathroom line was pelting him with angry thoughts.

_Passer._

_Sense of entitlement._

_I have to pee._

“Thanks, I had to throw up,” he lied, hearing their thoughts soften towards him.

Standing in the hall, mere feet away from the trio, he listened to their conversation, turning up the volume with his mind where it otherwise would have been unintelligible.

“I don’t know why he makes me write his papers. I think he’s just lazy. He gets better test scores than me,” Troye was saying.

They were talking about him. The reason he got great test scores was again thanks to his gift. All he had to do was zone in on the smartest nerd in class and combine their written answers with someone else’s. He did miss a few on purpose, so as not to arouse suspicion.

Glad that Crop Top’s fantasy was over, and her drink cup empty, he decided to introduce himself and figure out her name. Seeing an unopened bottle of beer rolling around on the floor, he grabbed it and turned the corner.

“Sup, Tinkerbell,” Ben said to Troye, since he knew him the best. Probably strategic not to address Finn, who mainly knew him from middle school swirlies or that time they filled his locker with penis-shaped confetti they’d bought from a sex shop.

“ _What_ did you call him?” the girl asked, furious. She had a slight English accent, worn away by years in the States, no doubt.

“It’s okay, Rey,” Troye said, trying to make light of the comment. Ben could tell he wasn’t upset, maybe even a little flattered that Ben was talking to him at all.

“I brought your friend a beer,” Ben said, holding it out for the girl called Rey, trying to memorize her name.

She scowled at him, crossing her arms.

_Homophobe,_ she thought to herself, refusing the beer. He lowered his hand, swallowing. 

These new thoughts were such a contradiction. One second she wanted to grind on him, the next she wanted to slap a beer out of his hand. She was flipping through a historical list of griefs against him, most of which involved Finn.

_They used to leave a banana in Finn’s desk chair every day._

_They threw fudge at Finn at the 8th grade picnic._

_When Finn and Troye first started dating and he asked them if they were “toGAYther” in front of the whole cafeteria._

Those had seemed funny at the time. He tended to play to the crowd, rather than worry about one person’s feelings. Finn always came across as fairly impervious to his taunting, although Ben knew people could bury hurt away pretty deep. There were layers.

Ben realized she must have known him since middle school, even though he had just noticed her. He also realized he’d gone way too long without speaking, one of the problems when you get lost in mind reading. 

Finn broke the silence, “I’ll take it.” 

Ben twisted the cap off for him and handed him the beer, in shock at the save. 

Finn didn’t want the beer, he felt sorry for Ben in that moment and was offering a tiny olive branch. 

Feeling a little guilty about past wrongs, Ben smiled sheepishly and decided to change the subject.

“Are you guys having fun?” he asked, getting a slightly nicer reading from Rey. She uncrossed her arms.

“Yeah, thanks for the invite,” Troye said, seriously. 

_Finally, my first highschool party,_ Troye thought.

“I have these like once a month,” Ben bragged. “My parents are always out of town.”

_Yeah, we know, asshole,_ Rey thought.

Ben backtracked, “If I’d known you guys wanted to come, I would have invited you sooner.”

Finn smiled and a wave of his relief hit Ben, almost making him cry. He didn’t realize his actions had affected Finn so much and that a few kind words would repair him so quickly. 

Ben choked on a swallow. Mind reading came with lots of transference, but he had learned how to hide it, otherwise he’d look like a nutcase. 

Ben remembered when he was going through puberty and the thoughts started rolling in, as if part of the adulthood package. The first time it happened had taken him completely by surprise.

His parents were fighting in this very living room and his emotions were running high to begin with. He was picking up on their thoughts, each of them mostly preparing for their next insult, neither listening to the other. But both of them were full of love for the other, both knowing nothing would ever tear them apart, not her demanding career, his constant travel, or the burden of raising a son.

“Dude, are you stoned?” Rey asked, seeing him lost in thought again. 

No one ever talked to him like this. Rudely. It was almost refreshingly scary. Unfortunately for anyone caught in a sparring match with him, he knew everything they were going to say before they said it.

“I don’t smoke weed, just cigarettes,” Ben laughed. “I’m just a little tired,” he lied. 

He had a mental storage unit of excuses for his mind reading pauses. Headache, trying to remember where I put my phone, etc.

“Really? Do you need help cleaning up after?” she offered, casually. She was imagining him smoking a cigarette, with a flicker of the lust she’d attacked him with earlier.

That was nice, no one ever helped him with the cleanup. It was usually just him and Maz, their Puerto Rican maid, who always kept his secrets. He knew she felt sorry for him because of his absentee parents.

“That’d be amazing, thank you,” Ben said, feeling the basketball team curiously noticing his conversation with their typical social prey.

_The fuck?_

_Is there a prank I wasn’t told about?_

_He’s probably trying to get with the chick._

“I’ve gotta swap out the keg,” Ben said, backing away, trying to get one last reading on Rey’s thoughts before he left. He didn’t want his buddies giving him shit for talking to the gay couple all night.

_Maybe he’s not a total dick,_ she thought, hopefully.

\----------------------

Ben hit the showers after basketball practice, not bothering with a towel like most of his teammates. He was proud of his manhood and he relished the penis envy. His size was common knowledge around school, not from sexual escapades, but from his unabashed walk from the locker to the shower twice a week.

His ass was stinging from the anabolic steroid shot Coach Snoke had just administered in his locker room office. They all got the shots, it was their Great, Big Team Secret. 

Ben knew there were several moral and physical issues with having an authority figure injecting unsafe drugs into his students, but he let it slide. He needed a scholarship and Coach Snoke had promised him he’d make that happen. Reading Snoke’s thoughts, Ben knew he thought he had a 90% chance, what with Ben’s height, hand/grip size, and ability to almost magically predict where his opponent was going to go.

Being able to read the room at all times, Ben knew there were side effects from the drug, even if they didn’t talk about them. Increased irritability, being the most noticeable. 

Ben also knew that he tended to become more like the people he was around the most, and being around the basketball team--and Coach Snoke in particular--was like a poison drip to his character. A necessary evil to ensure a good future. 

As the hot shower washed away the sweat from practice, Ben stood, lost in thought.

He wished he’d been more aware of his actions in the past, the way he used his ability to read people’s insecurities, find the thing that hurt the most, and poke at it. With his buddies to back him up as muscle, he was untouchable. 

Until his most recent party--where his usual victims had helped him clean for an hour at 4 am--he’d never given his bullying much thought, but now it was all he could think about. 

As someone turned on the shower next to him, _his_ water came out scalding hot, like it had transformed from water to fire, and he backed out of it quickly, cursing. 


	2. You're driving me wild, wild, wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Never knew loving could hurt this good  
>  And it drives me wild  
> 'Cause when you look like that  
> I've never ever wanted to be so bad  
> It drives me wild  
> You're driving me wild, wild, wild  
> You're driving me wild, wild, wild  
> You're driving me wild  
> We're alike you and I  
> Two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds**
> 
> WILD by Troye Sivan

_I could delay the car payment until next month, that way I can pay the water bill and get some groceries._

Ben tried to ignore Ms. Holdo’s worries as he put Troye’s essay in the homework stack on her desk and climbed the steps to take a seat near the back of the amphitheater-style classroom. 

_He didn’t even see me._

Casting around, Ben searched for Rey, having heard her slight accent.

To his surprise, she was directly next to him, two empty seats away. He briefly wondered how many times he’d sat next to her in class without noticing her. He definitely would have noticed if she’d had a fantasy.

_Oh, he saw me. I wonder if he’s sitting next to me on purpose?_

Okay, so maybe he’d never sat next to her before. There were so many people in this class, it was no wonder he hadn’t picked up on her. He had to spend the whole lesson trying to drown out everyone else’s daydreams, or find the interesting ones.

Ms. Holdo started in on the day’s lesson, accompanied by a PowerPoint of schoolchildren in black and white photos. “Jane Elliott’s famous experiment was inspired by the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the inspirational life that he led. The third grade teacher developed an exercise to help her Caucasian students understand the effects of prejudice.”

The class looked around, seemingly to locate anyone who didn’t fit the straight, white bill.

“Elliott divided her class into two separate groups: blue-eyed students and brown-eyed students. On the first day, she labeled the blue-eyed group as the _superior group_ and from that point forward they had extra privileges, leaving the brown-eyed children to represent the minority group. She discouraged the two groups from interacting and singled out individual students to stress the negative characteristics of the children in the minority group. What this exercise showed was that the children’s behavior changed almost instantaneously.”

Ben squirmed in his seat, reading her thoughts. This was a lesson on bullying, conveniently timed, when he was already feeling irredeemably guilty on that topic.

She continued, “The group of blue-eyed students performed better academically and even began bullying their brown-eyed classmates. The brown-eyed group experienced lower self-confidence and worse academic performance. The next day, she reversed the roles of the two groups and the blue-eyed students became the minority group. At the end of the experiment, the children were so relieved that they were reported to have embraced one another and agreed that people should not be judged based on outward appearances. This exercise has since been repeated many times with similar outcomes.”

Ben waited, knowing she was getting to the assignment, something he couldn’t get Troye to do for him, something most likely involving a moral baseline he hadn’t reached yet in his maturity level. 

“I want everyone to partner up on this assignment with someone next to you,” she said, waiting for them to look around nervously. “You and your partner will come up with a social experiment in the spirit of this, make a study of it, working outside of class and during class, until the end of the semester, when you will present it.”

Rey was looking at him out of the corner of her eye, her adrenaline pumping. Ben smirked, getting up and sliding two chairs closer, flipping the desk rest up from the arm of the seat.

Rey sighed. She was worried. She’d just been paired with the least human-friendly person she could think of, someone who couldn’t have a conversation without bringing someone down.

Ben frowned as the thought hit him.

“Ease up,” he spat at her, accidentally. He had to watch out. Sometimes he slipped up and nearly gave away his ability.

Rey’s eyebrows knitted, assuming he had intuited her sigh of disappointment.

“Let’s just brainstorm separately, then,” Rey said, angrily opening her composition notebook. 

Ben watched as she pulled her earbuds out of her backpack and started listening to music on her phone, ignoring him completely. 

Opening his laptop bag at his feet, Ben read her thoughts. She was thinking about the assignment, trying to come up with an experiment that would impress Ben. 

She wasn’t really mad at him, but she’d prefer him to keep his distance if he was going to snap at her. In fact, she was peeking at his shoulder muscles stretching as he dug out his computer.

Smiling internally, Ben powered up his Macbook and started typing up ideas he was reading from around the class. 

Rey watched him curiously with her peripherals, amazed at the speed at which he was coming up with experiments. 

He paused, feeling a warm bubble of lust encapsulate them in their seats. 

She was doing it again, fantasizing, like at his party last weekend.

Ben looked over to see her face, mostly hidden by her notebook, and, looking down, a Fantasy Ben hand traveled her way from his body. The hand slid up her skirt, massaging her through her panties, right there in the middle of class.

_Oh, fuck._

He could feel everything as if his real fingers were on her. 

Rubbing his forehead with the other hand, trying to clear the sensation from his brain, Ben took a deep, steadying breath. 

Looking at her again, Ben’s fingers shook as they hovered over the keyboard.

She licked her lips, unaware that he was watching, her fucking knees pressed tightly together under the small desk. Her secret playlist reverberated in his own head.

She was so innocent and helpless against her own urges for a guy she perceived to be beneath her. A shining example of toxic masculinity and selfishness.

It was at that moment he knew.

He was going to become whatever she wanted, a person _she_ could want.

He would change, starting today if he could.

But, in the meantime, she had to stop thinking about him finger fucking her in class. He was getting another goddamn boner as his real hand tingled with the feel of the soft flesh of her inner thighs and the pressure on her cotton panties.

Fantasy Rey arched her back in the chair, leaning her head back with her eyes closed, whining louder than her music.

His dick throbbed.

Ben ripped her headphones out of her ears by the cord, more violently than he intended.

She looked at him in disbelief, her lips parting, taking her headphones back as he held them out.

“We’re partners. No headphones,” he demanded quietly.


	3. I can't trust myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I wanna sleep next to you  
>  But that's all I wanna do right now  
> And I wanna come home to you  
> But home is just a room full of my safest sounds  
> 'Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my 3 am shadow  
> I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone**
> 
> TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan

He wasn’t sure how they’d started arguing again, but here they were, in Rey’s bedroom, yelling at each other.

“Popularity Versus Losers? That’s the most disgusting concept we could possibly pitch!” Rey said, shooting down his fourth idea. 

He should have just used other people’s concepts, apparently all of his original experiment ideas were offensive to her. They had to submit their idea tomorrow to Ms. Holdo and they had met up tonight to cement their plan. 

Rey’s room was small and floral, in a tiny house on the wrong side of town. It reminded him of Pretty in Pink, but he kept that comparison to himself. He had a tough guy reputation and girls didn’t fuck guys who watched Molly Ringwald movies.

“Yeah, no, listen, we interview people from both social categories, my friends and your friends and find out why they think they ended up in that category-,” Ben was cut off as he dodged a shoe.

“You just called me a loser! You just called my friends losers!” Rey shouted, looking around for another shoe. “And by the way,  _ you’re not popular, _ you’re  _ rich _ and  _ athletic _ , there’s a difference!”

Ben waved his arms in surrender. 

This was not going well. “Okay, tell me  _ your _ ideas.”

He sat on the end of her bed, feeling her prickle at the possibility that he was coming onto her by sitting his ass down there, rather than the wooden desk chair she’d motioned for him to sit in when they first came in.

“I’d like to do one on toxic masculinity and the basketball team,” she said, bluntly.

“We’re not fucking doing that,” Ben said, sternly. Coach Snoke would murder him and his chances of a scholarship would be bust. He wasn’t surprised by the idea, she’d been thinking about it for twenty minutes, waiting for the right time to throw it at him. 

They sighed, simultaneously.

“It can’t involve the basketball team,” he said, opening up. “I need a scholarship.” He knew if he didn’t kill this idea soon, she’d submit it without his permission. 

“Fine,” Rey conceded, flopping out on her bed width-wise, looking through more notes. 

He glanced at the curve of her back up to her round butt and the cute way she kicked her feet in the air, then turned away, facing her desk. 

She wondered briefly why he ‘needed’ a scholarship, when he was wealthy. 

He wasn’t sure himself why he was so hellbent on refusing a huge sum of money from his parents for college, but he preferred the idea of achieving it himself. Maybe to make his dad proud.

“What about something focused on altruism or philanthropy?” Ben asked, spotting a Thank You For Your Donation postcard from an animal sanctuary on her desk.

“Wow. I’m surprised you came up with that one instead of me,” Rey admitted, writing it down.

Ben smiled. Their concept didn’t need to be finished, just a general direction was all Ms. Holdo had requested.

“Well if that’s decided, I could reeeeally use a smoke,” he said, standing up. 

Rey followed him out onto her front steps. Ben read that she wanted to watch him smoke, something she had apparently enjoyed in the past, before he discovered she existed.

There was a mildew-y smell coming from the awkwardly-green astroturf of her screened in porch. They filed past it, through the cheap aluminum door, to sit on the warm concrete steps. 

She was so ashamed of her house, having been to his, but she didn’t trust him enough to be alone with him at his place, a thought he found so exasperating he kept pushing it aside every time it skittered through her mind. 

There were so many versions of him in her mind as she tried to make him out, but they were strangers, really, he’d have to help her get to know him and he’d have to be nicer.

He lit a cigarette and set the rest of the pack between them, not wanting to squash them in his back pocket. She was reading the brand, determining what he liked, filing away Lucky Strike as the smoky smell identifier she caught on him sometimes. 

Quietly, she inhaled, trying to catch the scent, but he had already pointed his lips to the other side on the exhale to avoid that exact thing.

“My, uh, teammates-,” he was going to say ‘friends’ but changed it at the last second, “were talking about pranking Finn. They wanted to break the padlock on his locker and fill it with shaving cream and write Happy HomeCOMING on his locker. But I stopped it.” 

Rey smiled, “good.” 

He felt a surge of intoxicating pride from her, even as she sat calmly and unmoving. She was very defensive of her friends and she wondered if  _ she  _ was responsible for his change of heart, or if he was just filling her in.

“At my party, when you got mad at me for calling Troye a fairy-,” he started, but she cut him off.

“Tinkerbell. You called him Tinkerbell,” she corrected him, laughing.

“Yeah, sorry,” he laughed, “I think sometimes it makes me feel better to hurt people.” He stopped, thinking. Where did that come from? Why did he say that out loud?

Rey swallowed. She liked his honesty. She didn’t think he was soft.

“What are- what’s the reason, do you think, that you need to feel better? I mean, you have everything,” Rey asked, pulling her knees up to her chest, a position that gave her more courage. 

She was thinking about how she doesn’t have guy friends who are straight. Or hot.

Ben smiled, taking a drag, talking while he exhaled, “I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it that hard.”

“Well, think about it,” Rey said, noticing the sunset and staring at it intently to keep herself from looking at him.

Ben took a moment before responding, surprised that he  _ really was _ searching himself.

“I have a secret. And it’s kind of...isolating,” he said, shortly, not wanting to be too specific.

“What kind of secret?” Rey needled, curious. She wondered briefly if he was gay and that’s why he took out his frustrations on her  _ out  _ friends.

“I’m not gay!” Ben said quickly. Shit.

“I wasn’t thinking that,” Rey lied, smiling.

“Yeah, you were,” Ben said, looking up at the sunset too.

“Yeah, I was,” she laughed. He joined in. 

Rey wondered if he was a virgin. 

He was, but so were most of the basketball team, so that thought didn’t strike him as shameful. She was forming her theory into a question and he waited patiently, developing his answer.

“Is it...that you’ve never been with a girl- it’s okay if you haven’t! I’ve never been with a guy,” Rey said, her pulse skyrocketing at her own bravery.

Ben could hear her hoping he was a virgin, so the truth came out easily. “I haven’t fucked anyone, but that’s not the secret.”

Rey blushed at his use of the F word. 

So innocent.

“I’m surprised you told me that. Took some guts,” she said, glancing away from the sunset to find his eyes for one second, before shooting back to the sky. 

He noticed she had a little, white, Bluetooth AirPod headphone in her ear. Probably just in the one ear, so she could hear him over her music.

Distracted by taking a puff and turning his smoke away from her, he almost confused Fantasy Rey with Real Rey as his head came back to a kiss. 

Her little lust bubble was around them again as she sat next to him, looking at her bare feet. Fantasy Rey ran her hands through his hair, massaging his tongue with hers, making him feel weak in the stomach as he tried not to respond to this incursion with any visible movements. 

Fantasy Ben was twisting back and forth, turning his head in a heated makeout session, only inches out of alignment with his own sitting position. His hands were around her tiny waist, pulling her in close, right between his legs, against his crotch. 

Fantasy Rey dropped a hand to feel his erection and Ben shot into a standing position as if she had actually touched him there. It felt real to him. His back hit her aluminum screen door with a bang and Real Rey spun around, the spell broken.

“Bee landed on me,” Ben fibbed, breathing heavily, his mouth dry. 

He looked down, spotting his cigarette in the mulch and grabbed it before he set her house on fire. Not looking at her, he dropped the cigarette on the concrete sidewalk and twisted his shoe over it, picking it up to take it back inside.

“Want to watch a movie?” Rey asked. She was afraid he was going to leave. 

Ben tossed the bud in the kitchen trash can, pleased she wanted him to stay longer.

“Sure,” he said, his testosterone sputtering as she made for her bedroom rather than the TV in the living room.

Turning her computer to face the bed, she read aloud some movie options, but he told her to pick whatever she wanted. 

The word ‘date’ popped into Rey’s head but she punted it aside, chastising herself for even considering that. He had called her a loser, not one hour ago.

Ben tried to think of something that would get her back to that original guess. He laid on the bed long-ways, patting the space next to him. 

He didn’t know anyone could blush that red.

Rey stood, staring at the tiny computer remote in her hand as if she hadn’t seen his gesture, having a mental battle with herself. 

_ Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay, calm down. Start the movie. Should I lay down or sit up? Is he going to put his arm around me? Was that presumptuous, to assume I’d lay in bed with him? Do I trust him to- _

Ben pulled his arms into his hoodie, “Look, hands to myself.” 

Rey laughed, hitting play, and sitting next to him, propped up on the pillows. 

He could feel her arm against his, even though they were separated by the hoodie fabric. She was thinking about the contact too. 

They weren’t doing anything, just sitting. 

And yet, there was a wildfire raging, fueled by every second that neither of them spoke or moved. 

She wasn’t fantasizing, apparently the current situation was keeping her plenty excited. 

Rey pressed her fucking knees tightly together, the nerves between her legs aching for a real, live man to touch her there, someday. All this while she pretended to watch the movie. 

Ben felt as unsure as Rey a moment ago. He didn’t know if he trusted himself not to make a move.


	4. I’m just a lost boy, not ready to be found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I say I wanna settle down  
>  Build your hopes up like a tower  
> I'm giving you the run around  
> I'm just a lost boy  
> Not ready to be found  
> Not ready to be found  
> I'm just a lost boy  
> Not ready to be found**
> 
> LOST BOY by Troye Sivan

Rey gave him a tiny wave from the bleachers opposite him as he sat on the front row, waiting for Coach Snoke to finish pumping up the pep rally with his cringe-worthy speech. 

Having made it through the movie at Rey’s house without doing anything a study buddy wouldn’t do, Ben felt the trust from her increasing. He’d never felt that emotion from anyone before. Trust.

“And our boys here,” Coach Snoke said, pointing to them as they sat next to the court in their uniforms, each holding one basketball, “have been working their butts off. Are we going to beat those WIMPS at Kennedy this year or what?!”

Cheers erupted, but for some reason, the hype was having little effect on Ben. He stared at the basketball in his hands, having a full-on existential crisis. 

Did he even like playing basketball? 

Was this something he just did because Coach Snoke had given him a father figure he’d been craving, in the days and weeks when his dad was gone on trips? 

Wasn’t his father already proud of him, without having to declare it to Ben after some great scholarship achievement? 

Ben read it in his thoughts every time he was home. There was an I Love You in every See You Soon, Kid as he left the house with his suitcase. He missed his dad so often it was like a wound that couldn’t heal. As soon as it started to recover, he’d leave again.   
  


Ben knew how to read everyone else’s thoughts, emotions, and memories, but he was only just beginning to analyze his own.

Rey shot him a questioning look, as if to ask if he was feeling okay.

He shrugged at her, wishing he was sitting next to her, in the crowd, rather than receiving the praise of the student body. 

The hard bleachers hurt his ass from his most recent steroid shot. 

So stupid. Steroids could destroy his liver and he didn’t even need them, he was eighteen and in peak physical condition. 

And Coach Snoke was teaching them to cheat to win. 

At the start of the marching band playing, they were supposed to jump up, run onto the court, and shoot some free throws. He was Team Captain, head of the line, on the end that was supposed to lead the way. His brain muted the music in irritation.

Coach Snoke snapped his fingers in Ben’s face, as if he hadn’t heard his cue. 

Ben stood, slowly, but didn’t move. Instead, he turned, setting the basketball down on the bleachers and walked quietly across the court towards the exit. 

The band petered out with a sloppy trumpet toot. 

The gym was quiet, but he was hit by a tidal wave of thoughts as he pushed through the doors to the hall, gasping for air.

_He looks like he’s going to cry._

_What is happening?_

_Where is he going?_

_Did he quit?_

Six of his teammates crashed through the door behind him as he walked down the hall towards the parking lot. 

“Um, What the fuck, Ben?!” 

“You just made us look like idiots out there!”

“Are you thinking about talking?”

“He’s not going to talk.”

Ben stopped as they circled him, blocking the exit. 

All he wanted to do was leave and call his dad, the thought of exposing Coach Snoke hadn’t even occurred to him. 

His former teammates were fresh off an injection, paranoid and angry, more so than they would be without it.

Their thoughts were turning violent, thinking to silence him. 

Ben held his hands up, about to reassure them, when a fist caught him in the mouth by surprise. Another one got him in the gut and he fell to his knees, then another blow across the cheek, twisting his head the other way sharply. 

He tasted blood in his teeth and saw a drop hit the floor beneath him where he waited, wincing on his hands and knees.

But they were backing away from him, now. 

Ben looked up.

Rey was walking down the hall, holding her phone, recording them. 

“Yeah, that’s right,” she said, angrily. “Just go.”

Ben could tell some of them were thinking about grabbing the phone from her, but he stood, walking towards her, closing the distance, and they opted to retreat. 

They glared a threat, a promise of reprisal if he blabbed, then circled back to the gym.

Rey turned off the recording, pulling him by the shirtsleeve into an empty classroom before they came back, and locked it behind them.

“Ben, what’s going on? Why did your friends just attack you?!” Rey asked, walking over to the teachers desk. 

She opened a drawer, hunting for a first aid kit, apparently his cheek had an open cut. 

Fucker must have punched him wearing a class ring.

Ben shook his head, “It’s nothing, I just didn’t want to be on the team anymore.”

“I know we don’t know each other that well, but you can always talk to me if you want to get something off your chest,” Rey offered, holding up a first aid kit. 

He feigned surprise, as if he didn’t know that’s what she’d been looking for, coming closer.

He sat back on the top of the teacher’s desk. 

She popped it open, her hands shaking. That’s when he realized she had been terrified in the hall. 

Without thinking, he put his hands on hers to steady them. “They’re just a bunch of idiots, they won’t bother you, I promise.” 

Her hands were so small in his. This was the first real time he’d touched her. 

Rey’s thoughts had shifted the second he took her hands, she had already forgotten about the hall, her blood racing with a teenage cocktail of adrenaline and hormones. 

She wanted to kiss him--correction--she wanted _him_ to kiss _her_ , and not in the fantasy sense. 

Ben lowered his head, tilting his face so she’d know he was going for a kiss and not just trying to get a view of her face as she looked down nervously at their hands. 

She closed her eyes, raising her mouth to meet him. He found her soft lips, painful against his injured mouth, but he ignored it.

Almost immediately, she started raising herself up, her mouth moving on his, opening more and more until his tongue was in her. He broke their hand-holding so he could grab her waist the way she liked in the fantasy on her steps. Her hands flew to his head, wanting to feel his hair between her fingers, but with her eyes closed, she misjudged, moving his head a little too much, causing their teeth to clink together.

They pulled away laughing.

_I hope I didn’t chip a tooth._

“You didn’t,” Ben reassured her, seeing her smile.

“Didn’t what?” she asked, leaning back.

“Chip a tooth,” he said, still smiling. 

_Did I say that out loud?_

“Yeah, you did,” he said, before he caught that mistake as well.

“Wait,” she said, pulling his hands off her waist and taking a step back. 

He swallowed, his smile faltering. 

_Secret_ , she remembered, taking another step back, reading his face.

Ben decided to tell her, the cat was out of the bag anyway. He waited for the moment when she would speak, readying his proof.

“Can you-” they said simultaneously. 

Her eyes widened.

“Are you serious?” they said at the same time. 

Rey’s hands flew up to cover her mouth in shock. She searched for the most random word she could think of, unclasping her mouth.

“Jolly Ranchers,” they both said.

“Oh my god!” Rey screamed, shaking now, running behind the teacher’s desk and holding her arm out as if she thought he was going to chase her. “You read my mind!”

“Yep,” Ben said, cautiously.

Rey flashed back to her naughty imaginings with terror.

“Yeah, I saw those too. Very real,” he added, wanting to let her in on the struggle of witnessing her thoughts. “Usually it’s just voices.”

“Ben!” she cried. “That’s why you liked me!”

_It’s because you thought I was like that._

“No, I like you, your crazy daydreams are just part of you!” Ben said, defending himself. 

“You never talked to me until the party, that’s when I first-,” Rey broke off, trying not to cry in front of him. 

“I don’t think you realize the impact you’ve had on me-,” Ben started, standing up.

“Don’t touch me!” Rey cried, keeping the desk between them. 

She was remembering thinking of him touching her in Psychology, kissing him on her steps, her hand on his erection and the way he’d leapt away from her. Shame caught in her throat and escaped as a sob.

“I wasn’t going to touch you, will you listen to me?” Ben said, feeling the emotional transference of shame, making his face contort. 

_I wanted to lose my virginity to him. Oh crap, he heard that. And that._

Rey watched the flicker of surprise play on Ben’s face and a fresh humiliation sent her into flight mode, running out of the classroom, letting the door slam behind her.

She didn’t want him to follow, didn’t want him anywhere within mental earshot of her. 

Ben spat a bloody gob into the bin next to the desk and slid into the teacher’s chair as his knees gave out. 


	5. Anything hurts less than the quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Only talking to myself here  
>  Now you muffled your voice  
> I'd rather have broken bones  
> And feel myself turn to stone  
> Just tell me  
> Say anything  
> Anything hurts less than the quiet**
> 
> THE QUIET by Troye Sivan

Ben stood up from his desk, walking down the steps of the crowded classroom. Rey was watching from the farthest end of the seats, probably wondering why he had gotten up when their names were called. 

As far as she knew, they hadn’t completed their Psychology assignment. 

They hadn’t spoken in two weeks, since the pep rally.

He had passed her once in the halls, hoping she’d look at him, he was hard to miss, nearly a foot taller than most students, but her mind was a complete blank as she looked determinedly down at the floor. 

She had figured out a way to keep him out, closed up tight like a flower at night.

Covering for her, Ben whispered in Ms. Holdo’s ear, “Rey’s not feeling good, so I’ll just present by myself.”

“Oh, sure,” she smiled. She knew there was more to it than that, judging purely by the physical distance Rey had chosen to put between them, but she didn’t press him with the eyes of the whole class on him.

Plugging his laptop into the projector, Ben opened a folder named My Transformation with a few video thumbnails visible. Instead of a big speech, which he didn’t think he could manage, he started the first video.

Finn and Troye were walking down the hall, holding hands. Ben walked behind them, filming.

“Hey guys,” his voice said over the video. They immediately unclasped their hands, perhaps expecting a joke at their expense.

“I got you this. Thanks for helping me clean up after my party,” Ben’s voice said, a hand appearing with an envelope. 

They smiled, but Troye opened it skeptically. He pulled out two tickets. 

“The Strokes?” Finn said, grabbing them out of Troye’s hand, “They’re my favorite!”

“I know,” Ben laughed, ending the video with their confused but happy faces.

Ben clicked into the next video without attempting to explain to the class what he was doing. 

Ben faced the camera towards himself, holding up more envelopes, each with a different teacher's name written on it. 

“I lifeguarded all summer,” he said, showing the camera the cash in one of the envelopes. He turned and put one envelope in the top drawer of a teacher’s desk. “The government doesn’t pay our teachers enough and I’ve benefited from them, so I’m giving them a little something.”

Ms. Holdo started sniffling, thinking about the envelope she’d found that morning and how she already knew which bills it was going to cover. Even  _ parents  _ didn’t think to supplement the teachers of their children, knowing their salaries were next to nothing.

He moved to the next video, the one he’d taken right before class.

Ben set his phone up to record at 2x the normal speed so he wouldn’t bore the class with a video of him ripping up and replacing the green, smelly astroturf on Rey’s porch with a new tile floor, with help from her dad, who was under the impression he’d won a free porch makeover.

At the end, he gave Ben a hug, leaving his hand on his shoulder as they looked at the neat tile work.

The class was whispering, eager to talk about his unusual presentation, but they stopped when they saw he had one video left.

He held his finger over the trackpad, then, with a deep breath, he tapped.

Coach Snoke pulled down one of the basketball player’s shorts, just enough to hit him with a shot between his back and buttocks. The camera footage cut to a close up shot of the anabolic steroids bottle in Ben’s hand, before he set it back in Coach’s drawer, locking it again, and putting the key back in Coach’s duffel bag. The video ended.

“That’s it,” he finished, lamely.

“Holy shit,” someone in the middle said, loud enough for the whole room to hear, creating ripples of laughter.

Ms. Holdo’s mouth was hanging open.

Reading her mind, Ben nodded, “I’ll send you the video.” 

She wanted to take it to the principal. 

Preparing himself, Ben raised his eyes to Rey’s seat, only to find it empty as she walked down the stairs, heading for the exit. He couldn’t get a read on her, she was too far away. 

Leaving his laptop sitting on the projector stand, Ben ran after her.

Searching the halls, gym, cafeteria, and theater, he finally decided that she’d probably gone home early, she had her own car. He went outside, sitting down on the ridge of their modest school fountain, and peeked down at his reflection in the water. He finally felt proud, looking at himself, the person he was. He didn’t even mind the ears.

Rey’s face appeared next to his in the water. Jerking his head to look at her next to him, he almost cricked his neck.

He couldn’t read her thoughts as she stared at him woodenly. That was probably a comfort to her, he should let her know that she was successfully keeping him at a mental arm's length.

“It’s quiet, I don’t hear you anymore,” he said, feeling as vacant as her mind.

“Don’t you think it should be my decision what you see or hear?” she said, impassively. She seemed pleased with herself that whatever it was she was doing was working.

“How are you doing it?” he asked, curious.

“A Xanax and picturing a white wall. Constantly,” she added, bitterly.

The fountain mist was making his hair damp. He ran a hand through his hair to fix it off his forehead, feeling a fluttering of expectation from Rey.

An idea hit him.

“What if I showed you something instead, what I’m thinking, would we be even? I know you can’t mind read, but I think I could project,” he said, knowing it would work already, he’d done little trials when he first discovered his gift.

Rey licked her lips, twisting her phone in her hands while she considered his offer. 

The bell rang, classes would be streaming out of the building soon. As if the ringing had woken her up from the daze, she locked eyes with Ben and nodded her head, just barely. 

He nodded back, taking the phone from her hand.


	6. Play me like a love song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **The fountains and the waters  
>  Are begging just to know ya  
> And it's true, baby  
> I've been saving this for you, baby  
> Yeah I bloom, I bloom just for you  
> I bloom just for you  
> Yeah I bloom, I bloom just for you  
> I bloom just for you  
> Come on, baby, play me like a love song  
> Every time it comes on  
> I get this sweet desire  
> **
> 
> BLOOM by Troye Sivan

Ben hit the little, black play arrow on her phone screen, also taking and opening the Bluetooth AirPods case in her other hand and putting one in his ear and the other in hers. As the device recognized the warmth of their ears, it kicked the sound on.

Concentrating, Ben closed his eyes, imagining his hand reaching out to her, even though his hands were on the phone in his lap. He projected, like shining a flashlight into her consciousness. 

He smiled, hearing her gasp, reading her thoughts finally as she saw a Fantasy Ben hand touch her face.

Students were starting to come out of the building, but to them, it just looked like they were seated on the edge of the fountain, a foot apart.

Fantasy Ben leaned in and kissed Rey, pulling Fantasy Rey by the back of the neck forward to meet him in the middle. Her lips felt so real and he could hear Rey thinking the same about his.

Rey fought for control of the narrative, twisting Fantasy Rey’s hands in Fantasy Ben’s hair and sliding closer. 

He let her play herself, closing his real eyes again, feeling as if keeping his eyes open as their fantasy selves kissed was creepy. 

She straddled him, sucking his tongue deep into her mouth, making him groan, a noise only the two of them could hear. 

Picking Fantasy Rey up by the ass, Fantasy Ben stepped into the fountain, making her stop to laugh for a moment, then continue kissing him. 

The water was up to Fantasy Ben’s shins but if he walked to the middle of the fountain, in the very center, there was an elevated area where the water shot out in a circle. He crossed the spraying water threshold, both of them getting wet, the pressure of the water making them both laugh in shock at the feel of it raking at their clothes. He laid her down in the dry circle, kissing a line down her wet shirt. 

Sliding her skirt up, Fantasy Ben found her panties and slid them down past her knees, smirking at Fantasy Rey as she watched him undress her in a public place, her mouth open in shock.

He lowered his head, finding her secret place and kissing her there with his tongue. Her back arched and she cried out, not bothering with being quiet, since no one could hear her. Adding his already wet fingers, Ben slid two inside her, curving them the way he was supposed to, according to locker room talk. She ground herself into his hand so hard he lifted his nose out of the way.

Fantasy Ben was rock hard watching Fantasy Rey writhe under his touch. It felt so intense, so thrilling, why would they ever do anything in real life when they could do this without risk of pregnancy, teeth clinking, or being caught?

Fantasy Rey cried out again, her whole body wracked with a spasm and she pulled him up to kiss her. In the push up position, hovering over her, Fantasy Rey reached down, unbuttoning his pants. 

Fantasy Ben looked around, smiling at their sinfulness.

His smile faltered.

“What?” Rey laughed, seeing his face.

“Stop,” Ben said, grabbing her hands before she pulled him out.

There was a crowd encircling the fountain. 

A hundred phones were up, filming them. In fantasies, no one could see them.

“This is real,” Ben said, sitting her up. 

The student body started cheering and clapping as they froze, looking around from the center of the fountain, readjusting their clothing, mortified.


	7. Epilogue: My youth, my youth is yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **And when the lights start flashing like a photo booth  
>  And the stars exploding, we'll be fireproof  
> My youth, my youth is yours  
> Trippin' on skies, sippin' waterfalls  
> My youth, my youth is yours  
> Runaway now and forevermore  
> My youth, my youth is yours  
> A truth so loud you can't ignore  
> My youth, my youth, my youth  
> My youth is yours**
> 
> YOUTH by Troye Sivan

Ben and his dad sat in the principal’s office, staring at the empty desk in front of them, neither looking at the other.

His dad had asked for a moment alone with Ben after the principal had given him a spirited breakdown of the events of the day.

There was a long silence as Ben broiled in his own embarrassment, trying to pretend his dad didn’t just hear the words “public cunnilingus” from his seventy-year-old principle.

His dad cleared his throat, still not looking at Ben, “So, let me get this straight. You. Accidentally. Went down on a girl. In the fountain.”

Ben covered his face with his hands, cringing his response, “Yeah.”

A laugh erupted from his dad.

Ben looked over, confused. 

His dad laughed again, this time at the inappropriateness of his own response to his son’s deviancy. He laughed harder at his failed attempts to contain himself, his eyes streaming with tears.

Ben smiled, feeling relieved, as he watched his dad cover his mouth before the principal heard him, but he busted out another laugh. Ben felt a flush of pride from his father, amusement, the old rebel in him tickled beyond belief.

Sitting up and leaning forward, Ben put his smile in his hands, waiting for his dad to collect himself.

“You’re grounded,” he laughed, wheezily, “forever,” he added, high pitched. 

Ben laughed with him, now, feeling the happiest he could ever remember.

\---------------------------------

Ben opened the door to the detention room, seeing twenty desks arranged in a circle with everyone facing each other. Rey watched him from the far side of the circle, her white wall in place, her hand still over the paper where she had been writing.

The only available seat was right across from her. He set his backpack down and sat down, feeling uncomfortably large in the desk. 

He had just heard that Coach Snoke had been fired and was facing an investigation. Part of him was glad to be in detention, knowing he’d be safe from the wrath of the basketball team.

Glancing up at Rey, who he hadn’t spoken to since the fountain yesterday, both of them being rung through the ringer by student/parent/principal drama, he tried to project an apology.

_ I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was real. _

Her eyes lowered to her book bag by her side, her wall still up.

Of course she hated him. She’d just had her first sexual experience in front of the whole student body. Christ, if they’d kept going unawares he could have fucking impregnated her. Now they were in detention until graduation. 

Ben started digging in his bag for his homework, when he felt the warmth of the bubble cover him. He sat up, his eyes shooting to Rey as she raised an AirPod to her ear, looking up at him through her lashes.

“No!” he mouthed at her, silently, in shock.

She smiled her secret smile, hitting play.


End file.
